Weekend before Finals

It's saturday before finals. I have been getting geared up for my math final today. I've been making some last minute preparations, and I think everything is going to turn out alright. I've been doing some thinking though on the subject of the possibility of me not getting the required grade to go on in math. I sometimes worry about that, and I am already a year behind where I really should be. If I didn't make it, I am trying to figure out what I would do, this semester, or any other in the future for that matter. I wish our nation had better foreign policy... I could almost justify a career in military as a backup plan, but the likelihood that I would get sent to war in some dead end conflict is 100%, so that's out. Also, being stuck in the military on a base somewhere for like, my entire life seems a little less than fulfilling... It would be cool to go to ranger or scout sniper school, or do something with airforce and fly/work on drones. Whatever... I should be fine here at school. I don't know why I'm even considering failure at this point. I guess it's just natural for it to lurk in the back of one's mind.

-Colin

Finals coming up- Semester draws to a close

A few days have passed since my birthday. On my birthday, I went with Nate to go see Borgore at the Blue Note. It was a fantastic show. Some decided she was going to dance with me, and then I realized she lived in my dorm, and usually wouldn't have had anything to do with her. Said what the hell, followed suit. I brought shame to my elders hahahaha. Luckily, she was trashed, and walked off somewhere before the show was over and I didn't see her again. I found Nate in a hurry and got the hell out of there. I've seen her in passing since, and I think she may remember some of the things she said/did on that dance floor, and might realize that it was me. (she didn't seem to know who I was at the time) Anyway, minor awkwardness and good lol's... fuck elevators. Holiday cheer is everywhere.    and by "everywhere", I mean there's slush and cinders all over the god damn place, and I have to listen to modern remixes of old christmas songs at every mealtime. I'm losing my grip one shake of a sleigh bell at a time.

Happy holidays,

-Colin

Break starts tomorrow

Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow afternoon. I'm psyched. I spoke with this kid about riding my bike at the skatepark, and he says it's chill so long as it's not crowded. I plan on going to check it out sometime over break. Hopefully I don't get injured... That would suck. I still have yet to find a good place to attempt 180's and be able to crash without consequence. I might try to have this guy named Naveen come to the park with me to take some pics of me getting some air for facebook and whatnot. It should be a fun time, permitted it's not too cold or crowded. Hoping for a sunny, decently warm day, although I don't think all of those things are likely to occur at the same time, especially during break from school.

Break looks like it's going to be great,

-Colin

Thanksgiving break approaches

I've made arrangements to do something with just me and my sister over break. Not sure what yet- maybe a trip to rock bridge state park or something. Also planning on having somewhat of a reunion with Sam Solomon, possibly Ben Cairns, and probably Parker Solomon as well. Not sure when this might be, but sometime before spring break for sure.

Classes are coming to a close soon. Finals are now within a month from the present day. brutal. Not going to have the grades I really wish I had, but I should be fine. It's freshman year- doesn't come as that much of a surprise I guess. Getting a better feel of how to get my act together and do better next semester. Anyway, It's getting late, and I need to get up and work on my math lab in the morning before I go to the actual lab session, so this is gonna be short.

Thanksgiving break is going to be a much-needed reprieve. I plan to eat with Popper and Vickie out at their house, and probably soak in the hot tub after. *NOTE* -I need to have a hot tub when I'm older.-

-Colin

Catching up Cont.

First semester of college at MU is almost over. The highlight of my days is riding my bike most times, however, it is also the source of a lot of frustration. It's totally worth it though- the satisfaction and joy of a perfect landing down a flight of stairs, or catching the frame as it spins around back under you is the greatest feeling. I have yet to meet anybody who seems like they could become a good friend. I haven't really met anybody at all for that matter- General Ed. classes are weak. I keep telling myself that I'm going to start being more spontaneous and impulsive and meet some new people. So far, it's not really happening.

Last night, while laying bed after writing my previous entry about all that has happened in the years between, I had some more thoughts about those years. I am realizing more and more that I am becoming an adult, and childhood is behind me. It is hard to grasp, and is really quite disappointing to be honest. I was thinking about the years between old xanga era and now, and realized that I have some regrets. Maybe they are warranted, maybe not. They say there's no time for regret, but the minutes feel like hours. I posted a comment on CC's post earlier today that said "The past is a muddled blur of loss and mistakes. It is only a waste if you didn't learn anything." It sounds so simple and true when directed at another person's issues, but is a little more difficult to believe when applied to myself. I think I have made a huge mistake in the past few years. I suppose it's normal for a teenager to not be around the house a lot, or to distance himself from his family, but to what extent? It occurred to me that my sister is now in 8th grade, and has the lead role of the play she is in, and I don't really know her at all. I feel like I haven't really known her since I was in 7th grade, but she was still so young then... She has always looked up to me, and for the past 5 years, I have been totally unavailable to her- unable to make any time for her. And why? I was too busy sitting in a basement somewhere playing videogames and smoking weed with people who I have already lost all contact with. Shes my fucking sister. My dad left when I was 10, and I distanced myself from what close family I had left just three or four years later. This has really sunken in now that I have moved out of home, and my life is started as an adult. It's not just the weekend anymore; I'm not going home in a few days to live with them anymore. That's behind me now. I also have a little brother who is starting kindergarten soon in Montreal with my dad. I am never going to REALLY KNOW that kid. I have accepted that.

It will not have been a waste- I have learned from my mistakes. It's going to be different from now on. I am going to make up for lost time, and prevent this from happening in the future. Right now though, it's time to go ride my bike for a bit before I start on programming homework.

Wisdom is gained through mistakes- It is your ability to learn and remember that determines whether or not your mistake has been a failure.

-Colin